Attention to all women, especially my wonderful sisters!!!

I want you all to know how amazing you are and how much you deserve from a man, or a friend or whatever! You all deserve the best of the best. And that is in all aspects of life! When it comes to having a relationship with a guy... YOU DESERVE THE BEST!!!!!! I don't know how else to put this or how many times I'm going to have to tell you but I will continue until you all believe me and believe it yourself! NOT ALL GUYS ARE PIGS!! There are a lot that are but you just have to wait for the right guy... and if he's your right guy then he'll be worth every second you waited for! If a guy cheats, he's not worth it. If a guy doesn't tell you he loves you, or how beautiful you are, how special you are to him, how you've made his life better..... He's NOT Worth your time, your love, your committment!! If a guy isn't 200% happy with you he's not for you! This goes for guys too!! If a guy needs to go elsewhere to have his "needs" taken care of, HE'S NOT FOR YOU!!!! AAAAAHHHHHH!!! I want you all to know this and feel this way too!!! You deserve to be treated the very best and if you're not then get out.... I'm sorry to say it but I'd rather be alone than not get the respect and love that I want, need, and deserve!!!!

I guess I'm done for now.... I love you all!!! Have a wonderful and safe weekend, especially if you're driving or cooking!! LOL! Happy Easter everyone!!!!

Good night!

Ok I'm back.... for a few anyways.

I don't know what I was going to say....

I was sooooo tired that I didn't have the energy to eat tonight.

My brother came over today, which was interesting. I haven't seen him since last summer and I haven't talked to him since Thanksgiving. We got into it back in October and I didn't tlak to him until Thanksgiving. It was good though today, talking and just hanging out watchin' some movies. Mom had surgery yesterday... but everything went ok. So that's a good thing. I was worried but I think I knew it would be ok. and it is, so far.

I'm soooo tired.

I really want to have a date for formal but I doubt that happening. It's probably not even possible now anyways. I surrender then! :(

Well I'm off... to somewhere

good night all!

I'm just sitting here watching Friday Night Lights.... wow, I didn't even realize it but this is the first movie mike and i saw together way back when. It was the second day, not even, that we knew each other. I think it was October 15,2004. :( This is going to be ok. I am slowly getting over him. MA told me today when I was over that someone will come along when I least expect it, and I know she's right. That's generally how it happens with me. One minute I'm sitting around all worried about nothing and then the next minute I have three 'suiters' all at once.... I don't understand that but oh well. Anyways, that's not what I got on to talk about...

Went to Ohio for a few days and that was awesome as always. I witnessed the birth of a calf, the death of another calf and so that was way cool. Well the death wasn't cool, that really sucked actually. It was doing well and probably would have made it but we think the mom cow stepped on it or something:( guinea hens are really really annoying...

my cousin thought it'd be funny to ask this guy that I like to go to formal with me... grrr. He said he doesn't do dances... so I probably won't be doing much about that. I was going to call my cousin and get his number and call him myself but my mom said not to even worry about it so I'm just gonna let it go. my cousin went dress shopping with my mom and i.... that was funny! i kept pulling dresses for him and told him that was a good color for him... hahahaha. I love him! He's great! I just wish he didn't have such an attitude problem, I put up with him though. I give him a hard time every second we're together, but he's pretty good at dishing it out as well. I sure do miss them, already and I've only been gone a couple days. I love the farm and can't wait to go back and visit again. I love going 4-wheelin' with the guys. Maybe next time I'll ride with Nate since my cousin will probably have his g/f out there.... grrr... I like her but at the same time I don't think he's happy with her.. that makes me sad b/c he deserves and needs a girl to keep him upbeat and positive about things, and she doesn't as far as I can tell. hmmmmm...

well enough about that.

I have been looking into Kentucky a lot these past few weeks. I think that's where I'm gonna live. Probably near Lexington, aka the Horse Capitol of the World, I am way excited. And if I can arrange things in time I would LOVE to go down there and work on a farm this summer or work with a vet at the Kentucky Derby. If not then I'll probably stay in MP and try to get in with a vet there. Or I could always come home and work with our 'family' vet even though he's specifically small animal, but there are quite a few vets around here (creek) that do large animal... I'm so excited for this summer!!! SERIOUSLY!!!

Ok, I'll be back later. Mom wants to go... tchao!

I think it's been a while since I've updated. I've been on attempting to update but I never did.

So here's what's new... if anything at all!

Boys:
Well they all pretty much suck. As most of you know, I can get all wrapped up in a guy at the blink of an eye. Well yeah, that happened again and as usual it was thrown in my face, sort of, but I guess I can't expect much from guys. I could say a lot about this but I think it comes down to if you like someone you should just come out and say it, otherwise the other person won't know and you won't know how they feel about the subject either. The bottom line with this subject is that I'm still in love with Mike and I can't get over him no matter how much I try to like other guys, I always come back to him! :| It makes me kind of sad. Therefore, I can't allow myself to truly give into another guy, because I'm still crazy for mike. So until I either truly get over mike, which i don't know when will really happen, or someone makes a huge impression on me I am single and will remain that way for a long time...and will be caught in this transition phase..... grrr... Oh but btw, i think it's crazy how my ex from high school calls me and is more interested in my life than anyone else.. wtf? It's nice to have someone to talk to though!

Girls:
I really don't like a lot of girls, well maybe not dislike girls as much as don't get along with girls. They tend to be overdramatic and for the most part drive me crazy. Not all girls are like this but the majority of the girls i know drive me a little crazy every so often... I love my sisters (most of them :) lol) Sometimes I wonder though who took care of the everyday basics that some people just simply do not know how to do. I'm probably not talking about you if you think I'm talking about you.. it's not anyone that i'm friends with, not really anyways. if you know me you know who i'm talking about. However it really isn't limited to this one person, there are more but this one is the worst ever! OMG! can you say Dirrrrty!!! lol, hahaha. It's mean but I seriously don't understand how a person doesn't know how to clean up after themselves. Honestly, did your parents do everything for you from feeding you to washing you??? come on! Grow UP! Be mature and stop being so flippin' lazy!!!! aaaaahhhhhhhh!!! I hate cleaning up after people that have no respect for the things they are ruining, and have not gratification that someone else is doing them a favor. grrrrrr.... ok i'm done!

School:
I love my classes, and even though I'm crazy busy this semester I couldn't ask for a better and more enjoyable schedule. I get along with people in my classes, especially my labs!!! Hahaha, unfortuante events but very fortunate at the same time.... haha, stupid boys! haha, ok, anyways. I am doing really well in them as well. That's why I think I enjoy them so much b/c I'm doing well!! I'm slightly behind in one class but I can overcome that in a short amount of time. yeah, so that's pretty much all i have to say about that.

Mom:
well she's ok, but she has to have surgery on friday. It's called a heart cathadarization, which is where they stick a camera up through her veins to check her heart arteries.... yeah it sucks. Hopefully they won't find anything but if they do they will have to operate... boo! Let's not go into that thought..

rest of family:
uh.. i don't know really, haven't talked to my sister since we got into a huge arguement and she said a lot of hurtful things to mom and so yeah, don't really talk to her. and brother, well HA, he rarely calls mom and i don't even have his number. I did call him once over christmas break to find out where the imax was but haven't talked to him since. neither have gotten their christmas presents b/c amy's came back and ron hasn't had time to meet with mom to pick them up. grrr... to them both! THEY SUCK! so yeah, enough of the bad part of my family!! I love my mom! :)

what else??

I don't know

I love pb and J... but i miss snowmobiling... :( Oh and mike totally passed MP TWICE and didn't stop by to say hi.... ;( *suppose to be a crying sad face*

i miss him too... a lot actually!

ok i need to go to the rr... haha... good night everyone!

sweet dreams. I love ya!

BAI!

The quote was.... " I'm all scholastic in the head"

Yes that is what I said!!!!

Funny haha hehe!

Ok so Friday wasn't toooo bad. I had class, didn't do horribly on my quiz, drove home, went out to dinner with my mom and then went to bed. THEN, saturday rolled around and I already knew it was gonna pretty much suck... but whatever. Got up early so I could get new tires on my car which was AWESOME!!! My car drives great now! Then I got my nails done which is always nice..... then I got a phone call while I was still getting that done from him.... he had this attitude too... and I don't even know why! He asked me when I was coming over and I said well I don't know I'm almost finished and then I'll be on my way. I asked him if he was going to be there or if he had somewhere to be and he said Yeah I have plans, so that of course made me mad and I said , fine don't be there I don't care! Well then I was upset and almost to the point where I would have been crying had I not been watching this crazy tv show called Love Connection from the 80s. So then she finishes and I pay her and I'm on my way to his house and every flippin song that comes on the radio is a love song, but especailly about missing you and loving you and ugh!!! Kenny Rogers, I can't unlove you, Faith and Tim, Mariah Carey, Don't forget about us, Keith Urban.... one after another, on different stations too!!! That was slightly frustrating..... Anyways, I'm making my way through the town and I pull in the driveway as I had so many times before. Get the box of stuff out of my backseat and go up to the door, no one answers... So I go inside the garage and knock on that door. His mom answers and I'm just standing there thinking, what do I do? Am I even welcome to come it? She invites me in and then tells him I'm there.... So then he comes up and goes to get my stuff....of course he didn't have it all together in a pile like he told me, well he told me it was all together. I probably wasn't there but ten minutes, if that. I gave him back the one ring he gave me that was his grandpas and then i tried to give him back the ring he bought me.... But he wouldn't take it. So I sat it on the stove... then i put it on the counter and he put it back in my pocket.. so I put it back on the counter and told him I can't keep it and by this time I'm shaking and almost crying so I walk out the door with my stuff and get my shoes. I should have walked outside without putting my shoes on but I didn't and then he followed me into the garage and dropped it in my purse!!! Oh and while I was standing in the kitchen his g/f decided to take a trip to the bathroom.... she's cute but she looks young. Guys tend to go for the younger ones! but whatever!!!! So he went back inside and I was kind of crushed because I don't think I'll ever see him again, and He OBVIOUSLY doesn't understand that. So I went to my car and drove away as quickly as I could.... ;( I'm really sad! And of course since I still have the ring, I'm wearing it! That's stupid I know... I guess I have to give up one thing at a time.... first I gave him up as my b/f... then as my friend.... then stuff he gave me.... lastly I'll have to give up this ring.. but it's more than just a ring to me. It represents our life we had planned on having together.... wedding, kids, family, life...our life, that for now is just a memory. And this ring, well, I guess when I can part with it, I can part with that hope of having him be the man I want him to be and know he can be... then man of my dreams. ;(;( This really sucks!

Then of course my mom tells me I just have to let go of him and HA! that's much easier said than done! Just like I told him, I don't know how to get my heart back from him. And until I do, he has it and I can't give it to anyone else! I can't love someone else when I'm still in love with him.... it just doesn't work that way! Not for me!

Ok I need to stop this and study!!! Good night!

I'm a little frustrated because well I don't know if I'm frustrated with myself because I let people get to me or if I'm frustrated with other people because they get so upset over things that aren't that big of a deal. I realize I'm a very unique person when it comes to my thoughts and actions. I do get angry with people and at certain situations but then I get over it! Sometimes I do hold a grudge but if I do it's a serious matter, not some petty arguement over the internet! I don't HATE people, I can't! It's not in me to hate! I feel bad for people who don't know what it's like to not hate someone, anyone but I can't help it. I just CAN'T hate someone! I generally enjoy people, but sometimes yes people make me soooo angry that I say stupid things like...AAAAAHHHH I hate people... it's not true though... I don't hate people, I do dislike some but never hate... However those select few that I don't like are from high school and another that only a few know about! So I know this one small characteristic of my personality sets me apart. That's fine, no big deal.... AAAAAHHHHH i don't know what i want to say or where i'm going with this!!!

I am ok though, I'm not mad about last night, I was upset last night but geezz.... I've slept since then! I'm over it! it's fine, but other ppl don't know how to let things go.

LIFE IS FAR TOO SHORT!!!

JUST TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND PLEASE DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND GET OVER IT!

THERE'S NO USE IN BEING ANGRY ABOUT SOMETHING, (QUICK SIDE NOTE.... BONNIE RAITT HAS MAD GUITAR SKILLS!!!!!!!) ESPECIALLY WHEN THE SOMETHING IS ALREADY OVER AND IN THE PAST!!! WE CAN'T CHANGE IT SO THERE'S NO REASON TO HOLD ONTO IT!!!

OK THAT'S MY DEAL!

SCREAMING IS GOOD!!! as long as it's not directed towards anyone!! just randomly screaming to get your frustrations out is somewhat helpful!!! I need to do that WAY more often!!! I still love him!!! but that's not what I was screaming about!!! I think I'm going to go to bed so I don't eat anything.... not that I've eaten much of anything today but it's too late to eat now soooo... good night! FINALLY!!!

Take the Month You Were Born

Jan. - i WANNA RUB YOU
Feb. - i WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND
Mar. - i WANNA SEX YOU
Apr.- i WANNA FUCK YOU
May.- i WANT YOUR BODY
Jun. - i WANNA DANCE WiTH YOU
Jul. - i WANNA TAKE YOU TO SEX HEAVEN
Aug. - i WANNA KISS YOU
Sep. - i WANNA FEEL YOU
Oct. - i WANNA TOUCH YOU
Nov. - i WANNA LICK YOU
Dec.-i WANNA lOVE YOU

Now Take the Day You Were Born
1- iN THE RAiN
2- iN THE STREET
3- ON A PARK BENCH
4- ON THE RoOF
5- ON THE STAiRS
6- ON THE COUNTER
7- ON THE WAY TO SCHOOLI
8- iN A ClOSET
9- ON ViDEO CAMERA
10- iN THE BATH TUB
11- iN THE SHEETS
12- iN THE BASEMENT
13- iN THE BACK OF A CAR
14- WHilE WATCHiNG PORN
15- iN THE DOG'S CAGE
16- iN THE SHED
17- IN THE HOT TUB
18- ON THE ToiLeT
19- iN THE SWiMMiNG POOl
20- WiTH STRAWBERRiES
21- iN THE DRESSiNG ROOM
22- iN AN EleVaTor
23- AT A GAS STATiON
24- iN THE STATiON WAGON
25- iN THE ATTiC
26- AT CHUCKiE CHEESE
27- ALL NiGHT LONG
28- AT MY GRANDPARENTS HOUSE
29- WiTH KiWi
30- AT THE POST OFFiCE
31- iN THE lAUNDRY ROOM

REPOST OR GET BAD LUCK WITH UR LOVER FOR 10 YEARS
-A FUN WAY OF lETTiNG PEOPlE KNOW YOUR BiRThday

So I really need to get a life and stop crying over people, but I think I will be able to overcome this. I know that lately I haven't really been putting myself out there to get involved with someone else. I know I am upset b/c he has and is successful, which I can understand why... I mean they are the same reasons I love him and dated him and stuck with him for so long. But I can't be angry that he's trying to get over me... I just wish I could do that, so maybe part of me is jealous, not because he has another g/f but because he's been able to reach out to another girl.. something that I haven't really tried to do since we have been apart. Perhaps if I tried to really date people I may find someone I have an interest in and could maybe some day start a realationship with. I don't know if this is making any sense to anyone but it sort of makes sense to me. I am absolutely head over heels for him still, and perhaps I always will be. He was my first everything and that kind of sticks with a person. However, though things may not have worked out now, they may in the future. I can't hold my breath but it's definitely something I may be able to look forward to. Yet I can't hold back from living and trying to fall in love or have strong feelings for another guy. I know this is not formatted in a reasonable way whatso ever but that's ok... bottom line is I have to stop crying over him. I can't do that to myself anymore. I have been sad and down about him for months now and no matter who I'm around I am reminded of him and long for him to be here with me. But I can't do that anymore. He's trying to move on with his life and I should too. I know this is going to be very difficult because I don't know how a person can expect to give their heart to someone when it's completely devoted to another person. I can try though, I suppose anyways. I wish I could unlove him but I don't know how fast of a process that is going to be. So maybe if I take the next step and try to date or at least meet other people that will help the process go faster. Part of why I think I miss him is because I feel so alone all the time and that feeling sucks really bad.... and you would think it's a hard thing to feel when you live with eight other people but it's really not that friendly sometimes. And even though I have my sisters, it's not the same kind of loneliness. And it really makes me feel single when my friends are all getting engaged and are happily in a relationship.... ugh!! I'm soo happy for them, they are all truly blessed and they most definitely deserve it... I need to stop dwelling on the dreams we had together and try to move on... I guess that's it for now! I have to go do laundry!!

o1. Name:
o2. Birthday:
o3. Place of residence:
o4. What makes you happy?:
o5. What are you listening to now/have listened to last?:
o6. Do you read my LJ?:
o7. If you do, what is particularly good/bad about it?:
o8. An interesting fact about you:
o9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment?:
1o. Favourite place to be:
11. Favourite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:

RECOMMEND
o1. A film:
o2. A book:
o3. A band, a song and an album:

PLUS
o1. One thing you like about me:
o2. Two things you like about yourself:
o3. Put this in your LJ so I can tell you what I think of you.

ok so I thought I was ok, I was over him and I would be fine!! But I'm not! I can't imagine him with someone else... I can't even imagine me with someone else.... I can't unlove him.. I wish I could unremember everything my hearts been through(Kenny Rogers). why am I crying over him.... STILL??? it's been five months since we broke up... I should be over him... I broke up with him.. but I can't do this! I can't handle him being with some other girl! I guess i'll be crying over him forever!

Our relationship
1. Have we kissed?: No
2. Do you want to?: IDK
3. What would you like our relationship to be?: NOT SURE, IT'S PRETTY GOOD NOW!
4. Have we dated?: NO
5. Did you like it?: PROBABLY WOULD IF WE HAD
6. Do you want to date?: SOMETIMES BUT OTHER TIMES NO
7. Are we close friends?: I LIKE TO THINK SO
8. Would you be here if I needed you?: YOU KNOW I WOULD
9. Are you attracted to me?: I GUESS SO
10. Mentally, sexually, or both?: I DON'T KNOW
11. Do you love me?: IN A WAY, YES

Appearance
Do you like my-

12. Face?: YES
13. Eyes?: YES
14. Lips?: SURE
15. Body?: W/E
16. Legs?: NO... MENS LEGS= YUCK! HAHA, NOTHING PERSONAL
17. Ass?: NEVER LOOKED I DON'T THINK
18. Hair?: WHEN I SEE IT.... HAHA, FUN TO PLAY WITH!

Do think I'm-

19. Sexy?: WHAT'S SEXY?
20. Beautiful?: I GUESS
21. Hot?: EH...
22. Cute?: YOU GOTTA BE SOMETHING I SUPPOSE!

Personality

Do you think I'm-
23. Crazy?: YES
24. Nice?: SOMETIMES
25. Fun to be around?: YEAH
26. Funny?: YOU MAKE ME LAUGH
27. Annoying?: SOMETIMES, YOU AGGRIVATE ME A LOT

Would you..

28. Spend a weekend with me?: I GUESS
29. Alone?: YEAH, AS IF IT MEANS ANYTHING TO YA
30. Hook up with me?: IDK, I ASK MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME
31. Have sex with me?: NOT UNLESS I MARRIED YOU
32. Care if I ran away?: DEFINITELY
33. Care if I died?: UH! YES, I WOULD CRY A LOT!!
34. Miss me if I left?: DEFINITELY
35. Hang out with me?: WISH I DID MORE

What would you do if..

36. I kissed you?: PROBABLY FAINT...LOL, NO, BUT I WOULD BE SHOCKED
37. You found out I was missing?: DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO FIND YOU!
38. You found out I was in the hospital?: COME VISIT, BE SAD TOO PROBABLY
39. You found out I was dead?: CRY... A LOT ! YOU CAN'T DO THAT TOO ME!!!
40. I cried?: HOLD YOU
41. I asked you for help?: HELP IN ANYWAY I COULD
42. I told you I loved you?: I WOULD PROBABLY CRY, AND BE SHOCKED AT THE SAME TIME!
43. I told you I hated you?: YEAH I'D CRY AT THAT TOO, TOO MANY EMOTIONS..
44. Someone told you I wanted you to kiss me?: I'D THINK ABOUT IT, PROBABLY NOT DO IT!
45. Someone told you I had a crush on you?: I DON'T THINK I'D BE TOO SURPRISED.

In the last week have you..

46. Wanted to kiss me?: NOT THAT I CAN REMEMBER
47. Wanted to see me?: YEAH
48. Wanted to have sex with me?: NOPE
49. Wanted to tell me you loved me?: LOL, NOT EXACTLY
50. Wanted to spend alone time with me? *wink*: YOU WISH!
51. Wanted to get to know me better?: ALWAYS!
52. Thought about me?: YEAH
53. Missed me?: YEAH
54. Wanted me?: PROBABLY NOT THE WAY YOU THINK
55. Seen me?: NOPE
56. Kissed me?: YEAH RIGHT!

Have I..

57. Kissed you? NOPE AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL
58. Hugged you? YEAH, I MISS THOSE HUGS
59. Told you I loved you?: HAHA, SORTA
60. Made you happy?: WHEN YOU'RE NOT DRIVING ME CRAZY
61. Made you sad?: YEAH, SOMETIMES
62. Made you angry?: OFTEN!
63. Made you feel better if you were upset?: SOMETIMES

Are you..

64. Happy you know me?: OF COURSE


IT'S NOT FOR WHO SOME OF YOU MAY THINK....LOL. SURPRISING?? LOL

Ok so I didn't say anything before but my last entry pretty much fits me too a T in all icons!!! I LOVE IT!! Especially the happy icon!! haha, doesn't take a lot to keep my attention! I LOVE IT! IT"S GRRREAT! That is all! Good night!

So Sunday I was GREAT!!! I went to church, saw a gorgeous man that any girl would love to be with!! Then I find out he is no longer single! Of course at first I blow this news off b/c he didn't mention it to me and he gave me a hug and made a very nice comment and I was on cloud 9!! Then the course of the day went on and that night was the Christmas program at church! I watched their practice, thinking it was the actual thing because i was misinformed but I didn't mind being at church that extra hour! I wish I could be there now! At least when I'm there I'm happy! most of the time! Anyways, as the program went on, the real program not the practice, I watched this little boy on front of me! He wasn't very old at all, maybe 8 or so. Well there was this little girl that was sitting there too, well she wasnt at first but after her part was done in the play she went to sit with her dad, i'm assuming. Anyways, so this little girl goes up to the little boy and gives him a hug and then he pulls her up into his lap to finsih watching the play and he wraps his arms around her and all i can do is cry!!! Then when MA was up on the stage I could hear her voice and I could see her expression and she was on the verge of tears so that just added to my crying! The thing about MA is that she is my life support! She is the woman that is teaching me to be a better Christian and a better woman! A Christain woman! A woman of God... whichever way you put it! She is like my second mom, which is crazy since I've been an absolute mess over her son since i was a junior in high school!!! I know it's crazy... anyways back to the little girl and boy!! I started crying over this display of love and caring because I know that a long time ago my brother and I had that kind of relation ship!! We even had that kind of relationship when I went to visit him in texas when I was a junior. One day we hung out at the pool all day and i had six mike's hard lemonade and after being out in the sun all day I had the worst headache in the world. Well my brother had plans that night and we were all going to go to his friends house for a BBQ but because I didn't feel well he decided to stay home instead of leave me at his apartment! I remember crying then too because I hadn't seen my brother for at least two years before that at my grandmothers funeral and I was crying because I was soooo happy to have him back in my life! Now he lives forty-five minutes away from me and I rarely see him, speak to him, anything! We got into a huge arguement over stupid crap back in sept-oct and then on thanksgiving day my mom called him or he called her and he talked to me for over half an hour out of the blue! I hadn't heard from him in over a month... The thing is that it makes me sad because I love him with all of my heart and I saw him more when he lived in Texas, now that he has a good job he acts like he's too good for me and my mom! I have cried over this for so long and the pain doesn't go away! I told him how i felt and how all i ever wanted from him was his time! Not anything more! I don't care about materialistic things... all I've ever wanted was my family! And still 13 years after he left, I still don't have it! My family is a disaster and I can't change it! After my grandpa died, my family fell apart! He was our backbone, our strength and ever since he's been gone we've all grown further and further apart!
So then after the program was done I was still as emotional as ever and this wonderful guy came up to me while i was already on the verge of tears to invite me to his place to celebrate his birthday with some friends and his g/f.... then i walked downstairs and trying to hold the tears back ran in to Special(you know who you are)....whom gave me a huge hug without me saying a single word. It's not that hard to see when I'm sad but still, it meant a lot to me! Then I went upstairs and helped set up for Make-it-Monday! Went out side and cried for fifteen minutes while my car warmed up! I don't even know Exactly what I was crying about but I couldn't stop! Finally I sucked it up and started driving home.. well I didn't keep it sucked up.. the tears just kept falling.... I was driving away and since we just moved that saturday I went past the road I am now living on and headed towards the old place. Then MA called me and we talked for a few minutes while I was making a circle back to the road I was suppose to turn on five minutes ago! Then I came to that road and I decided I needed to talk to MA and headed back towards her house! When I got there I went all through the house and then found her in the basement and just cried... I told her I just can't stop... so for the next five minutes she just let me cry and occasionally had to tell me to breath...lol. I was there for a good two hours or so crying and talking and crying and eating some.... steve was suprisingly friendly...he's been weird lately but maybe it was because when he saw me I was crying my eyes out! It was nice to get a glimpse of the steve I know! MA and I talked the whole time I was there about everything and I told her that what I think caused this emotional breakdown is because after 'losing' another potential guy I was reminded that all the men in my life leave me! Not in the way you may think but I never met my dad, my brother moved out of the house and went into the Air Force when I was seven, my grandpa died, my sisters b/f then husband was removed from my life when i moved to michigan with my mom and then her ex was gone too (not that I particularly wanted him to be in my life but still he was there for over ten years of my life, which is over half and now he's not) Then I fall for these guys and lose them! I never have them but it makes me feel like I've lost them when they don't reciprocate the same feelings I have! So she told me just to wait! Wait for him! She told me that the reason I get like this over some guys, not all but a few, is because the one thing I desire more than anything in this whole world is to have a husband. I know I'm only twenty but it's true! I've always been afraid that I would never get married and have a family of my own! That is the deepest desire of my heart! I want to have that kind of love in my life. I don't know who doesn't want that but for me that is the only thing I need. I don't care about the 'riches' of the world.. I simply want a man to love me. A good Christian man! I don't want him to leave me! And falling for these guys that could possibly be that man and then them not feel like that for me tears me apart! Then don't mean to and I don't hold any grudges against them but it still hurts! I know in my head that there is someone for me and that someday he will walk into my life or I will walk into his but no matter how much I tell my heart that it just doesn't understand and aches uncontrollably! I don't know how long I'll be able to wait for this dream man of mine!!! Not if I fall apart everytime I think, hear, see, anything that has to do with love! UGH!! sometimes being a girl is the harshest thing God did to me! LOL! I'm glad I have emotions like this but I'm not at the same time! I would rather be emotional than numb to everything around me! This is a sad time of the year for me I guess because it's all about love and family... two things that I want but don't necessarily have! I havea family but we haven't spent a Christmas together since i was about six years old! I have the love of many but I don't have the love of my life!!! I'm grateful for what I do have and know that I will once have the love of my life and the family I've always dreamed of... I just have to wait for them!!! But like I said I don't know how long I will be able to wait!! I'm just this massive amount of emotion will settle once I'm back at school and I'm not faced with these everyday, as in I won't have time to think about them or worry about them. Until them.... well I'll try to cheer up and look on the bright side of things, be as optomistic as I can be but underneath it all well i'm still a little sad!



I know that's a lot and so if you actually read through it Thanks, I hope it wasn't to confusing. If you didn't read through it and you're just reading this.. it's ok, I know I like to write a lot! I guess my Christmas wish for 2005 is to just let go of all of this emotion and saddness... I don't want people to look at me and just know that I'm aching inside!!!

Well I am going to bed I think! Maybe! lol.. good night everyone!

Merry Christmas!!!

Ok Girls.... First of all.. YOU ALL NEED TO GET OVER THE DRAMA NAMED BOYS!!! WE ARE ALL HUMAN AND MAKE MISTAKES JUST AS THE NEXT PERSON. I LOVE YOU GIRLS BUT FIGHTING LIKE THIS IS RIDICULOUS! BOYS AREN'T WORTH THIS! NONE OF THEM!!!!! SECOND: LIFE WILL NEVER BE A BED OF ROSES! I KNOW YOU THINK LIFE SUCKS DEAR BUT IT'S ALL PART OF GOD'S MASTER PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE! YOU JUST HAVE TO LEARN FROM EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS... IT'S ALL HAPPENING FOR A REASON, TO EITHER TEACH YOU SOMETHING OR SOMEONE ELSE! GOD CAN USE YOU TO TEACH OTHERS!!! AHHHHH.. I WISH YOU GIRLS COULD UNDERSTAND ALL THE CRAP I'VE BEEN THROUGH!!! I USED TO HATE LIFE TOO, I WAS ANGRY AND BITTER ABOUT ALL THAT I'D GONE THROUGH AND THEN I WOKE UP AND REALIZED IT WAS ALL PART OF A BIGGER PICTURE! GUYS ARE STUPID, THEY ARE EVEN AT MY AGE, SOMETIMES WORSE! YOU NEED TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT THEM!! ALL OF YOU! THEY AREN'T GOING TO GET YOU THROUGH LIFE, YOU ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH LIFE YOURSELF! THERE IS NO REASON TO LET OTHERS BRING YOU DOWN!!! I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM MEGS BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO HELP BY LEAVING... YOUR 'PROBLEMS' WILL FOLLOW YOU WHEREVER YOU GO! I KNOW, I'VE BEEN THERE MANY TIMES! MANDY..I LOVE YOU I DO BUT HOLDING GRUDGES WILL GET YOU NOWHERE! LIFE IS FAR TOO SHORT GIRLS. I'VE LOST THREE PEOPLE THIS YEAR ALONE!! ONE OF WHICH WASN'T EVEN 18 YEARS OLD! YOU CAN'T HOLD GRUDGES AND YOU CAN'T LET BOYS OR OTHER GIRLS GET TO YOU LIKE THIS! IF SOMETHING IS MEANT TO BE WITH A BOY IT WILL HAPPEN!!! I CAN ATTEST TO THIS... EVERYTHING WILL HAPPEN WHEN IT'S SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN! BE PATIENT WITH GOD AND HIS TIMING... I KNOW IT CAN BE THE PITS SOMETIMES BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE FAITH IN GOD AND HIS PLANS FOR YOU! BOTH OF YOU! SO STOP FIGHTING OVER HIM! IF EITHER OF YOU ARE MEANT TO BE WITH HIM IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN GOD FEELS YOU ARE READY! THIS IS SOOOO STUPID! I'VE LEARNED AND STILL I CRY OVER GUYS! I REALIZE THERE IS NO CONNECTION BETWEEN YOUR BRAIN AND YOUR HEART AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU 'KNOW' HE ISN'T RIGHT OR YOU HAVE TO LET GO, YOUR HEART WILL STILL HURT! YOU JUST HAVE TO BE STRONG AND GIVE YOUR 'PROBLEMS' NO MATTER WHAT THEY ARE ABOUT TO GOD!!! HE WILL HELP YOU! HE WILL CALM YOUR ANXIETIES!! IF EITHER OF YOU NEED/WANT TO TALK! I'M ALWAYS AROUND SOMEWHERE! CALL ME, EMAIL ME, WHATEVER! I WILL GET BACK TO YOU!!! I LOVE YOU GIRLS.... I HOPE YOU CAN WORK THIS ALL OUT!
~ASHLEY HA